That Which I Can Not Change…
What is the old AA chant?
You know, the philosophy on which the program is based.
Hold on now I must look it up……. God Bless Wikipedia!
God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,
courage to change the things I can,
and the wisdom to know the difference.
So it is a mantra (A commonly repeated word or phrase, or a sacred verbal formula repeated in prayer or meditation). It is titled the “Serenity Prayer.” This prayer is used in AA as a way of reminding members that they really have no control over their universe, only over themselves and their own actions and thoughts, their own reactions to thoughts.
So what? I say all this as a precursor to my topic. The topic being that I need to accept the things that happen around me (at home, at work, driving my car) that I can not change.
I speak of a specific issue where the actions of someone else are irritating me to a boiling point.
This is effecting my disposition. I need to rise above. I know this wise person who exists in The Hub with me and they are very Zen. I wish I could figure out how to get to that state within myself. The place where I see something I don’t like but I am capable of accepting that I can not change it.
In my logical mind, I accept that I am powerless over this world and all the things that are going to happen in it. I just can’t seem to convince my fighter mind that the logical side is right and that my fighter should shut up and listen to it. (You know how touchy fighters can be;)
So no, I am not an AA member and I have never had a personal problem with alcohol but I am slightly control freak based. I try real hard to keep my own little insignificant world running smooth and sitting right upon its axis. I just need to accept that I can only keep things controlled to such a point and then it is in the hands of God.
Accept the things I can’t change! It will help life in my world be brighter! God will work out the kinks!
KA POW! BOOM BOOM! …take that fighter side!
Birth and Death, all in one day.
I had the pleasure of scaling the gamut today. I was informed as I awoke that The Greek Goddess was in labor, at the hospital and trying to have her new baby. I then went to the funeral for the grandmother of one of my oldest and dearest friends. It was such a lovely service. My beautiful, strong, amazing friend got up and read a poem she had written about her grandmother who was essentially her best friend. I do not believe there was a dry eye in the room by the time she had read and the minister (a close friend of this woman) was done with her very personal and heartfelt eulogy.
When I got to my car following this lovely goodbye to a generous and caring human being, I had a voicemail message from the husband of my best friend (the above mentioned goddess) that they were the proud new parents of a new baby girl. This lucky baby joins her older sister in the family of these intelligent and compassionate people and I hope she will grow to know have much she is loved by many people.
So, a big day! To go from birth to death in the course of a day is a giant range of emotions. Also, causing a great deal of reflection. Reflection regarding God’s love and blessings. The realization that we are fortunate for many things in this life, none of these as great as love.
He WAS Him
We had a Boy Scout Pack Meeting last night. I swear we could just let Hively and Pablo play together for 2 hours on the 1st Monday of each month and they would be just as happy. And us adults could have a drink and talk out loud. I think this sounds better than talking to each other in the hushed tones we are forced to use because the Pack Man (lol!) is carrying on about wanting volunteers for this, that and the other activity. So as usual, Red sits with me and Pablo’s mom and dad. One of the Cub Scouts ends up sitting by her and chatting her up. Pablo’s mom and I are both quite amused by his smoothness as a mere 7 year old. The kids got guts picking up on a 10 year old woman. “Go C, you da manJ”
Also typical, Hively and Pablo are seated at another table talking and laughing and enjoying their fun little 7 year old boy world. Periodically, we parents look over and do the shhh sign, give the evil eye, or just mouth STOP. In one of these moments, when it is my turn, I look over to give the evil eye and there it is. It is my ex looking back at me. An expression, a face, a smirk that is his. And it is coming from my son. Flesh of my flesh, blood of my blood. I know he looks like his dad. I know he acts like his dad. But honest to God, in that moment he was him. It is scary to say but it was an adorable face. One of those expressions I could remember from the good times.
I have often wondered why God would give me this child. This wonderful, sweet, smart child whom I adore with my whole heart. Who is also this challenging boy who pushes my buttons and pushes every limit I set before him. This boy who can get to me exactly the way his dad used to; by nagging and challenging me constantly. My son who has always been his fathers clone (given our relationship that hasn’t ever been a good thing.) So in this moment when I looked at him and saw his dad, I had this amazing moment of clarity. There were good times. I did actually love him despite the many bad times. He wasn’t always wrong or always bad and we both made many mistakes. So Hively being his dad made over isn’t all bad. I think in that moment, I figured out what God intended by giving me Hively. He intended me to learn the lesson of loving someone completely, to love them through everything good and bad. Maybe in the end I will have learned how to be a little less stubborn, a little less critical, and a little more open to other people’s ideas. Maybe in the end, I will have become a better person and all because my baby boy became a man whom I adore no matter who he reminds me of.
And hell, I can even learn to not constantly see my ex in such a bad light because after all my children are perfect and they are half him so I guess he can’t be 100% evil even if he tries to prove to me over and over that he is!
