LOVE LOVE LOVE IN 2010
Alaina suggested this http://mssinglemama.com/2009/12/28/new-year-contest/ contest today. It is a cool idea and I decided to “chime in” because it fit what has been weighing on my mind for the past few weeks anyway. So here it goes:
LOVE
The more I ponder what is missing in my life the more I continue to focus on LOVE. I focus on the philosophy that all there is, is LOVE. All energy in this world is LOVE. All actions ultimately motivated by LOVE.
I want more in my life, in 2010. I want to live an abundant life. And the answer to getting this is LOVE.
Love for self
Love for family
Love for friends
Love for blessings
Love for adversities
Love for ease
Love for struggles
Love Love Love Love Love
I have been in a horrible place lately. My daughter has stopped going for visits with her father and my son continues to go. This has caused a great amount of friction in our home.
She is angry! Angry with her father, her step mother, her brother and I. She feels excluded and neglected. She feels jealous and just angry.
My son is being blamed for a lot of things he has no control over. He has many health problems and she feels this is causing him to get more attention and special treatment from me. He is just a little boy who feels a strong need to have a daddy and he also has an easier, go with the flow attitude right now, than she does. She resents him and he is stuck in her target zone.
All of this has been so emotionally exhausting on me that I feel I have nothing left to give.
I have never been good at making time for myself. Are any of us single parents? Isn’t this the biggest struggle for us? But, this is beginning to rear its ugly head as a necessity. I am an extremely lonely person because I have put ALL of my energy in the past 8 years into being there for my kids. I have not spent time out with friends or dating. I have spent no time cultivating relationships, I have given 100% of my energy to raising children. Whatever is left over goes to my job and keeping a home (which in a way is for the kids too.) With all of this stress draining me, I now can see the need to put myself first so I can recharge and have the energy to give of myself to my children (who desperately need me during this trying time).
Self Love! I have to start loving myself because this is the root of all healthy energy. After 8+ years of doing this gig solo, I have never fallen into a comfort level with this situation. It is time!!!!! I feel like ALL the decisions I have made up until now have been wrong. I thought I was doing the right thing by making the kids the center of my world. I wasn’t! I need to be the center. And to have a healthy, productive center, I need to focus on LOVE. I am putting LOVE out into the universe so I can get LOVE back. Awesome, amazing, abundant LOVE. From all things and all people. Love that recharges me and carries me. I know this is possible. I see a year ahead, I see 12/31/2011 and I am in love with ME!!!!!
Sorry…so very sorry!
So when 3 people in one week remind you that you are “neglecting” your blog, you NEED to force your fingers to produce something. So, my something after 3 months of silence is an apology. Yes, an apology to you readers, but mostly to myself. An apology that says I am sorry for not making myself and my mental outlet (this blog/writing) a priority. I’ll try to do better, I will do better. You’ll see…
STUCK
I’m trying…trying to be a “Shiny Happy Momma!”
I’m trying but I feel stuck. I feel like I worked so hard to build this life and all the pieces are in place but something is not right. Something, is missing still. I am stuck and a bit lossed on what it is. I AM STUCK in this spot right now. What do y’all do when you are stuck??? I keep thinking I am taking a first, second, third step but I am not moving from where I am. Give me some ideas, my single momma’s. Or is this odd and I am the only one who ever gets in this place? Sometimes this is how I feel…like I have so very much to be thankful for and why am I looking for something more when I already have so much. It makes me think I am greedy or selfish but I really don’t believe I am. So weigh in here and give me some tips PLEASE. Seriously, I don’t want to be Crazy Glued in this stuck spot for any longer.
They Deserve Better.
Speak to me oh master of the stars, (or as you may know them, Yahoo Horoscopes).
Seriously this is mine for today. After the way things in my life have been going, there couldn’t have been any more fitting advice from any source possible!
You can try to teach someone who’s rigid to be more flexible, but do not get too disheartened if that stubborn friend, family member or coworker shows little if any sign of ever loosening up! Their failure is not your fault. See, in order to learn to be flexible, people have to be ready to be flexible. They have to be able to see things from other people’s perspective, to walk a mile in their shoes. This person needs empathy to start to relax their up-tight attitude.
So, it is not me?!? I am being flexible and open minded enough? It isn’t that my instincts are off or that my perspective is inaccurate?
One back in October, 2001 I visited an advisor. My main question was this, “What do I do when I feel like every time I try; I walk into a brick wall?”
Her advice, “Turn around and walk away from that wall.”
Sure this seems like simple advice but for some reason it kept eluding me. The answer was so remedial and looking me in the face but I just didn’t see it. Less than a month later on November 1, 2001, that is essentially what I did and I can honestly say my days have ALL been better since.
This is my dilemma for today; why is it that if a women who has been scorned and has turned and walked away from her furry and moved on with her life can not ever be free of this circumstance? Unfortunately when you share children with someone, they NEVER really go away! They are there in your children’s lives frustrating them and you with their choices. Continuous frustration by “the wall” that is still there. So, this woman can have moved on but her frustration for what is done to her children and her frustration for what her children should have but don’t, this frustration is ALWAYS chalked up to “she (you) just hasn’t gotten past being left and she (you) need to move on.”
Listen! F*CK THAT! I have moved on and I am happy in my life. I live well and have great pride in all the things I have accomplished since that first day of November all those six and a half years ago! Sure hell may hath no furry, but there is nothing to say that the furry doesn’t subside and give way to an acknowledgement that life is better without a controlling, manipulative, abusive person around on a daily basis.
There is however one thing that upsets me, saddens me, angers me and will ALWAYS for the rest of me years sicken me!
“My children have a crappy dad and they are perfect and wonderful and they deserve better than they have gotten!”
He Thought He Was Being Funny!
Have y’all seen me? I am not a very vain person. Carly Simon was definitely NOT talking about me. That is for damn sure.Sure, I feel I am fairly attractive, I try to put in an effort (see here) to be presentable but as far as holding myself to the typical standard of beauty, I don’t do it. I may be overweight but as I said, I still feel I am attractive enough regardless of this one minor issue. I am one of those analytical types who believe our society puts too much emphasis on “typical” beauty when the true beauty of a person is so much more than what you see when you look at them. As you know Red is coming up on 10 years old and this is a philosophy I have always tried to instill in her. I am quite proud too, because in spite of her emersion in the Hannah Montana/HSM entertainment world, she actually seems to get this. She is not vain either. She looks nice and clean and presentable when she walks out of the house but she is also nice and kind hearted and has a vast repertoire of friends and tries to get along with everyone she is with. Some girls in her grade have began being “catty” but she is not and this makes me proud. Proud of whom she is and proud of the job I am doing with her. But I digress, back to the topic.This week we (The Hub) got on this kick of checking our “Real Age” by taking this (http://www.oprah.com/health/lifestages/realage/health_real_main.jhtml) Dr. Oz test. Yes, as I said, I am overweight, I don’t eat or exercise as I should, I don’t take vitamins or meditate daily and “hello” I am a single mother of 2 young children so we can safely say I do have a LARGE amount of stress in my life. So I knew I just knew I was safe to assume I would rate a good 5+ years older in “Real Age” than my actual age is. I was just about dead on. I was 5.25 years older than 33 ½. So, thanks for the advice Dr. Oz, the advice you give is truly helpful and I may try to find time in my life to implement some of the changes you advise. However; if I do this, it will be for purely health related reason, it has nothing to do with appearance and how I feel when I look in the mirror. It is all about how I feel, period. When I look in the mirror, I do not see a 38 year old woman. I see me. Actually, I am very young at heart and I see a younger person than even 33 ½. One of the things about the demise of my marriage that always left me saddened was the fact that I would not be growing old with someone who would look at me and see the 18 year old I had been when we met. Not because I am vain…but because sometimes on a bad day when you are feeling, fat or old or ugly it is nice to look into the one you loves eyes and know they see the person you used to be. No matter how old you grow with a mate, I think in their eyes you remain the person they saw you as when they fell in love with you. And this is a nice thing on some days.Okay, so as I said I took this little quizzes results in stride because I expected the result I got. Then I took Red and her friend to see High School Musical – On Ice and as we exited the arena and past the wall covered in famous musical icons, I proceeded to impress the girls with my knowledge of each of their names. As we got to the end of this hall and came to the desk where a security guard stood, he looked at the two 9 year olds and said, “If you were 40 you’d know all of them too.”As he said this I was right beside him and without even thinking, I smacked him on the arm and said, “I AM NOT 40!” I think he may have been shocked by my hitting him and he said, “Oh, sorry, 30….20.” I said, “I’ll take 20 THANKS!”I felt like crap! Do I really look 40? I don’t see 40 in my mirror every morning but maybe I am wrong. I see that he was trying to be funny. I kinda felt bad for my reaction at first but the more I think about it, the more I think I hope he got a bruise from that smack. He wasn’t funny at all and I actually hate him a little now! He made me question myself and who I am and for that, he deserved the hit.
