Balance? What’s that?

WOW! May 6th! I haven’t had anything to say since May 6th? That was over six weeks ago!
So I have has things to say. Things about travel, we took a brief journey to visit relatives and celebrate my grandfathers 90th birthday. Things about the step monster who verbally assaulted me and my daughter claims tried to run her over with her car. Things about love and loneliness and how I have recently been very sad that I am still alone and struggling to find a balance between dating and parenting. Things about anger and how I still feel a twinge of hostility that I am not able to be the “June Cleaver” type of mom that I always intended to be. Things about work and how I am so overwhelmed when I sit at my desk that I frequently can not focus or concentrate on completing a task. Things about disappointment in myself for decisions I made at 18 that have lasting effects on me today. Things about parenting a tween who is hormonal and angry and downright miserable and how I can possibly manage that on top of everything else I already manage alone. Things about how nice it would be to have a break, a real life vacation from my life. Things about self image and my exhaustion with being over weight and getting older and having no time to myself to remedy these issues.
See, those 6 weeks were FULL of pondering, just not full of stroking the keys and putting them into actual type for everyone to see. Actually that isn’t the truth either. I did begin a few posts just never finished them and hit publish so maybe I will try to find time to clean them up and complete them and post them.
Summer vacation began this week for the kiddos. Red is going to middle school in the fall and I am all kinds of anxious about that. Hively is moving on to 3rd grade and hopefully will not lose the progress he gained this year in terms of organizing and self discipline. Next week they will be off at sleep away camp all week. I do not think I will miss them! I hope that doesn’t make me a bad mom! But honestly, I am exhausted by the responsibility of them and need this time. I just pray the week goes smoothly and they are healthy and able to endure the full week. My goal is to tackle my house that is a cluttered mess. I have a goal to reduce all the clutter and hopefully bring a bit of calm and balance back into my world. My birthday is in 10 days, which makes me a Cancer. I honestly couldn’t be more of a Cancer if they looked at my psyche and wrote the description for me specifically. Once a few years ago I had my birth chart done as a birthday gift for myself and I was told to never even tell people where in the chart I was born and how my planets lined up because I was so dead on as a Cancer all the good, bad and ugly of it.
So that being said, I need organization and order in my home because home is where ALL of my energy is derived from. I am hoping that after a few days of de-cluttering and cleaning my soul will be a bit freed from all my anxiety and weighed down depression. And if not, there will be rum and cherry cokes mixed in so I’m sure that will move it along too;)