Balance? What’s that?

WOW! May 6th! I haven’t had anything to say since May 6th? That was over six weeks ago!
So I have has things to say. Things about travel, we took a brief journey to visit relatives and celebrate my grandfathers 90th birthday. Things about the step monster who verbally assaulted me and my daughter claims tried to run her over with her car. Things about love and loneliness and how I have recently been very sad that I am still alone and struggling to find a balance between dating and parenting. Things about anger and how I still feel a twinge of hostility that I am not able to be the “June Cleaver” type of mom that I always intended to be. Things about work and how I am so overwhelmed when I sit at my desk that I frequently can not focus or concentrate on completing a task. Things about disappointment in myself for decisions I made at 18 that have lasting effects on me today. Things about parenting a tween who is hormonal and angry and downright miserable and how I can possibly manage that on top of everything else I already manage alone. Things about how nice it would be to have a break, a real life vacation from my life. Things about self image and my exhaustion with being over weight and getting older and having no time to myself to remedy these issues.
See, those 6 weeks were FULL of pondering, just not full of stroking the keys and putting them into actual type for everyone to see. Actually that isn’t the truth either. I did begin a few posts just never finished them and hit publish so maybe I will try to find time to clean them up and complete them and post them.
Summer vacation began this week for the kiddos. Red is going to middle school in the fall and I am all kinds of anxious about that. Hively is moving on to 3rd grade and hopefully will not lose the progress he gained this year in terms of organizing and self discipline. Next week they will be off at sleep away camp all week. I do not think I will miss them! I hope that doesn’t make me a bad mom! But honestly, I am exhausted by the responsibility of them and need this time. I just pray the week goes smoothly and they are healthy and able to endure the full week. My goal is to tackle my house that is a cluttered mess. I have a goal to reduce all the clutter and hopefully bring a bit of calm and balance back into my world. My birthday is in 10 days, which makes me a Cancer. I honestly couldn’t be more of a Cancer if they looked at my psyche and wrote the description for me specifically. Once a few years ago I had my birth chart done as a birthday gift for myself and I was told to never even tell people where in the chart I was born and how my planets lined up because I was so dead on as a Cancer all the good, bad and ugly of it.
So that being said, I need organization and order in my home because home is where ALL of my energy is derived from. I am hoping that after a few days of de-cluttering and cleaning my soul will be a bit freed from all my anxiety and weighed down depression. And if not, there will be rum and cherry cokes mixed in so I’m sure that will move it along too;)

Catching Kisses

My Hively is getting too big. Bigger and bigger every day! He is finishing up 2nd grade right now.
Every morning I drop him and Red off at Grandma’s for breakfast. She feeds them and then takes them to school so I can get to work. Red hops out of the car and dashes off with barely a wave. Hively, he lingers and collects his things. He then leans forward for a quick kiss. Then he hops out of the car with an “I love you” over his shoulder and wanders up onto Grandma’s porch. Always though, before he opens the door and enters the house he looks right at me and blows a kiss. If Grandma or Grandpa have come to the door to let him in he now will do a small hand touch to the lips just short of the full-blown gesture. I know kids have to grow up and we have to let them go. But, I just know how sad and heartbroken I am going to be on the day he gets too big to throw me a kiss every morning.

Childs Play

Red has a friend over to stay the night. Hively is playing in the basement with them. He is playing Lego Pirates, they are playing weddings. I am upstairs making dinner in the kitchen. I overhear:
Hively – “Here.”
Red – “What is that?”
Hively – “Here, here’s some babies for you guys to take care of.”
Typical man!

Wher Is Happily Ever After?

Is it wrong to wonder why? Why didn’t my happily ever after last forever?

I am not even sure if I believe in happily ever after anymore, and for me the idealistic, dreamer, this is heart breaking.

This is so crazy but I am slightly obsessing about this right now.

As we drove past a park this afternoon we saw a perfect little nuclear family flying a kite. Mom holding an infant while chatting with dad about the kite; as a preschooler played in the grass near by. I began to spin a tale about them as I moved on the route to our home. My tale revolved around them struggling to raise babies and fighting about daily life. The story involved fun voices for each character. As Red and Hively laughed in the back of the car, the story continued on until ultimately the dad moved out and they divorced.

After I finished Hively asked, “What ever happened to the kids?”
I replied, “You should know, you are those kids!”

What is wrong with me?
I may end up raising kids who don’t think a happy ending is possible if I keep telling them these tales of families that self-destruct and men who flee. But, if I tell them a story that ends happily, I feel like I am telling a fairytale. Is it even possible for me to concoct a happy ending in my imagination? And if I can’t see happiness in my imagination, will I ever be able to find it in real life?

Nice to meet you Cam.

This morning as I tried to pay for my Venti Passion Iced Tea with 3 raw sugars I was given a little freebie. One of those awkward and strange handshakes that don’t quite connect and have you chuckling all day.
I pulled up to the window:
Cam – Don’t you order this same drink each visit?
Me – Yeah
Cam – What’s your name?
Me – (Ummm?) Queen (Huh?)
Cam – I’m Cameron. You are one of our “regulars”!
Me – Oh, okay.

Cam proceeds to reach out the window to collect my $2.23, or so I think.
I reach towards him with my $0.23 in hand and as I go to hand it to him he shakes my hand.
WHAT? What was that?
I do an odd little chuckle and then hand him the money. He gives me my change and I wait for my tea. As he hands it over I say “thanks have a good day.” And he replies, “you too Queen.”

Damn, I think this means I have to find a new place to get my tea. I really don’t want to be a “regular.” But – Hey it was so nice meeting and sharing that awkward moment with ya Cam.

NOSY MEME

Where do you live? 

In a suburb of The D. In a house with Red, Hively and Otto.

Are you waiting for something? 

The work day to end and the weekend to begin.

What’s one pet peeve of yours that is not common? 

Silverware, rubbed against teeth or scraped on a dish – it makes me want to climb out of my skin.  Also, having my face touched.  I have personal space issuesJ

What was the last thing you drank? 

Coffee

Last person you hugged? 

Hively before bed last night

Whom do you most look like in your family? 

My Oldest Sister

Did you have a dream last night? 

I don’t think so.

How many piercings do you have? 

2, 1 in each ear

If you could have something right now, anything, what would it be? 

No debt. None!

Does anyone call you babe? 

No

Where does most of your family live? 

Tennessee

Where did you grow up? 

Michigan

Where do you want to go on vacation? 

Greece

Have you broken a bone? 

No

What did you receive for Valentine’s Day? 

That was like 7 weeks ago, I don’t remember that far back.  I think some Chocolate?!?

Have you ever had a panic attack? 

Yes – at a Kid Rock Concert.

Can you sleep in jeans? 

NO! That is so not comfortable enough to relax and sleep.
What can’t you wait for? 

Summer – JuneJ  I LOVE June!

When’s the last time you told someone you loved them and meant it? 

Today

Have your parents ever smoked pot? 

I really don’t think so.

Want someone back in your life? 

Not really, I am good with those I have currently.

Are you good at giving directions?  The BEST!

What do you order at the bar? 

Vodka & Cranberry – Just call me Dennis RodmanJ

When was the last time you cried really, really hard? 

Monday when I got a shot in my foot.

Whom was your last text from? 

My boss letting me know she is too sick to come in today.

Ever licked someone’s cheek? 

Yep!  But I really prefer to bite people.

What is your favorite thing to eat with peanut butter? 

Chocolate!

Where were you on July 4th, 2008? 

Sister’s in-laws for THE BEST firework display there is in my area.

What body part(s) do you wash first in the shower? 

Hair then face.  Is hair a body part?

Have you ever kissed anyone who’s name started with a D? 

Nope.

Do you prefer warm or cold weather? 

In between.  Spring and Fall.  But if it is HOT or COLD – Cold because you can always layer on blankets.

What do you currently hear right now? 

Night Moves – Bob Seager (He is from The D ya know!)

Does someone like you right now? 

Everyone likes me.  I have a winning personality.

Could you go out in public looking like you do now? 

Um Yeah!  I am out in public – at work.

If you could go any place in the world right now, where would you go? 

To a warm sandy beach and lay on a blanket in the shade and take a nap.

Have you ever made someone so mad that they broke something? 

Yes I have.  And I have had someone make me that mad also.

What is your favorite color? 

Purple

If you could go back in time, how far back would you go? 

FAR BACK!  I would go to the day I graduated High School.  June 1992.  Sheesh that is 17 years ago!  WOW a whole lifetime ago.

Why would you go back to then? 

I would finish college and be more involved in being a young adult instead of becoming a wife and mom so quickly.

YOU GOT A CLEAN SLATE

I have this point in which I am stuck.  This point is like quicksand in my mind.  It revolves around moving on, and putting my past behind me.  It is about people who hurt others and ruin lives and then go on with their lives.  When I say go on I mean move on.  Move onto the next victim or the next situation where they can begin anew.  Sure they may have uttered a quick apology to the ones they wronged.  Or maybe they haven’t even done that.  Maybe they have moved forward with a justification they concocted to help them find peace.  But that justification gives no comfort or peace to the person they wronged.  It is about these people being viewed in their new environment as whatever they set themselves up to be viewed as.  Typically good and free from any remorse (Remorse is an emotional expression of personal regret felt by a person after he or she has committed an act which they deem to be shameful, hurtful, or violent.)

 

In my own life the wrong doing didn’t end with one instance.  It continued into years of transgressions I was forced to either endure or witness my children endure.  This is where I get stuck in this limbo.  In this place where I am then forced to be angry again and the anger doesn’t even come from the place of the original pain, it comes from the inability to be remorseful and admit your errors and try hard to do better and not continue along committing more and more harm along life’s path.

 

This all came on today because I read a blog of a man I know of.  I know this man cheated on his first wife and married the other woman and had a child with her.  (I promise this is an exact similar situation to mine but NOT mine; he is not MY ex.)  So in this blog post he referred to being a single dad for some amount of time and then he spoke of forgiveness and moving forward and how he just moved on in his life from people who wouldn’t forgive him for things they should have.  Then a comment on the post was left by his current wife and it was so nauseating it made me spew!  Telling him how great he was to have the perspective he has.  Gagging am I!  I must have sympathy for his ex-wife.  He and the new wife moved to another state and made a fresh start.  His wife remained in her hometown and is raising their kids on her own. 

 

This situation causes me to mistrust people.  Initially I trust no one because do they also harbor these issues in their hearts?  Have they also wronged someone and never apologized yet they move along expecting those they’ve hurt to forgive them because THEY have moved past it?  Sure you did.  It is easy to move past something unsavory when you have done it empty handed and created for yourself a new environment in which you have a clean slate.  Those of us who mend the broken hearts of our kids and work daily on creating stability and joy for them in the face of these trials, we kind of have our hands too full to worry about if you want to be vindicated.  I hate that this situation has made my world view different than what I intended it to be many years ago.  But it has and where do I go forward with that?

 

I love shoes, mine and other peoples too.

When my beautiful Miss Red was a mere babe, she, her father and I had a best friend family.  The gentleman worked with her father and they had a baby girl of their own 1 month after I had Red.  The girls love each other dearly to this day and as young toddlers they loved to play Barbie together.  This is an ode to that time, and to those people we all were back then.  And mostly to my old friends strange fascination with disposing of all Barbie accessories.

 

Remembering all the Barbie shoes you have simply tossed away in the past 11 years.

Think of what lovely thinks you could have created with those bits of plastic, had you just stored them instead of pitching them so thoughtlessly.

Sure small children eat them, and they hurt like the dickens when you step on them accidentally.

But there is a pitiful barefooted Barbie somewhere seeking shoes for her poor tip toed foot and she has none…all because of you.

How sad a tale this is!

Roller Rinks – Safe or No?

Damn! Every great idea I have has to blow up in my face. I just saw this story: http://www.wxyz.com/news/local/story/Teen-Attacked-By-Mob-At-Roller-Rink/LcF4WKmpHkKiNdTpOSISRg.cspx?rss=785.
I was just thinking on Saturday how much fun a Retro 70’s Roller Skating Birthday Bash for Red would be next month. Then I see this! Sure, I would be going to some suburban rink and not this one in The “D”. But still, this story makes me think any other parents that see it aired locally will be reluctant to allow their precious angels to attend a skate party. Because we could be targeted for a “gang initiation” – this is me doubting that was even the case! That kid probably knew every one of his attackers and had instigated their wrath. Sure, call me a skeptic but the truth about random violent acts is that they are extremely rare! Even in the ghetto. They are alot more rare than domestic crimes, that is for sure!

Give The Guy A Break – It Should Be Legal Anyway!

Yesterday the story broke that World Famous Olympic Star Michael Phelps is in deep water and it aint the kind this “young” man is used to!

“I engaged in behaviour which was regrettable and demonstrated bad judgment,” Phelps said in a statement.
“I’m 23 years old, and despite the successes I have had in the pool, I acted in a youthful and inappropriate way, not in a manner that people have come to expect from me.
“For this, I am sorry. I promise my fans and the public — it will not happen again.”

He is 23 years old! He is young and he made a mistake.
Can we all say that none of us have ever made a bad decision and acted spontaneously? Not just as young people but also as adults.
I am a mother of 2, old enough to know better, and I must admit something to you…I…make…mistakes!!!!!
I know it is unacceptable, I know I should be burned at the stake. But, I do it frequently and then I do something else after – I try to learn from it and in that moment I grow a bit.
Yes, I said it, I continue to grow up on a daily basis. Because whether y’all want to admit it or not, God isn’t done with any of us yet. Not even you Elisabeth Hasselbeck!
So, give him a break, cut him some slack, and climb on down off your high horse! Oh and by the way, one last thing – MaryJane is of the earth, it is natural, and it should be as legal as tabacco – it even is in some places.